I kind of feel like I'm suffocating. I'm in a position I don't want to be in: I really don't like where I'm working, money is a stress-out, lack of social encounters takes a toll. Today I was looking back to what summer used to be like...
You'd wake up at 7 AM [wide awake too] maybe watch some cartoons and make something simple for breakfast that was found in a full pantry and fridge that your mom had bought, spend the whole day frolicking around the neighborhood with the neighborhood kids, maybe go for a swim next door, catch frogs down at the riverbank, eat the lunch that mom made, play 500 in the middle of the street, go for a bike ride and get some sort of injury, etc. In others words, live carefree and happy.
Summer now...
Wake up unwillingly to a random song (some days are unfortunately sounded with T-Swift) at 7:15 AM but end up laying in bed an extra 10 minutes so there is no need to eat the breakfast that you don't even have because you haven't gone grocery shopping for a month or so, drive to work looking like a hobo because no one will see you anyways except for the creepy old smokers, get all sorts of injuries but not from having fun, lunch? sometimes, feel helpless because you don't know whats going on and you are expected to, walk into the apartment exhausted and down, take a shower, go to bed.
I need an outlet. Something. Anything. A couple years back, after I moved to where there weren't really neighborhood kids to frolic around with, I used to sit on my floor with some music going and draw rooms. I would just let it flow. I wanted to be an interior designer back then and it was bliss. I miss being able to just have something come to my mind and then create it. I'm jealous of the people that have been able to get away, far away and just be free for a while. I'm ready to run away to Europe. I miss being carefree. Growing up kind of sucks.
At least I have Saturday morning ultimate frisbee games, occasional boat rides, SLC trips and Sundays to keep me semi-sane. This Thursday will be good though. My favorite band [Parachute] will be in town and guess who will be attending their concert for free? Lots of people. I'll be joining them. I'm just praying that they are as good live as they are on their CD's. Because of this joyous moment, I get to leave work early, wear real clothes [heck, maybe I'll even wear a dress], do my hair and make-up, and actually see people while letting my soul soak in the lovely serenades of a bunch of men. Glorious. Nothing better screw that moment up for me.
What I really need to do is find a new job. Maybe I'll go back to just selling my body. We'll see. I'm ready for a change though. Change is good. Maybe I just need to get over myself, grit my teeth and bare it maybe throw a smile in there somewhere.
Prayer, prayer is good.
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